You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
