this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Panties = found
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
