What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love you. Go after that dick
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
