is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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