new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
