so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
