i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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