What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i was born a porn star she said
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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