the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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