I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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