and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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