Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
