Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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