my vag is so smooth its legendary
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
