thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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