Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
