It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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