And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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