can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
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I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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