he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
