I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
