If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
