Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
