Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
