Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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