if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
