you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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