Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You have to summon your inner elephant
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
