hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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