What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
