Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was confusing and full of hummus
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
