Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
