beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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