Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it's like heaven, but drunker
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
