I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
