cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He is an equal opportunity slut.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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