I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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