You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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