im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
