So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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