perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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