You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
