dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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