I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
