there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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