My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
