do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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