i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
