I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
