He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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