I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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