we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
