i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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