Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
