Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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