Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
