she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
