i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
